May 13-19

My husband makes me Eggs Benedict on Mothers Day...just like my dad always makes for my mom.

Whew! What a week. I'm glad it's over. I told myself, all I had to do was get through that week things would be better. So far...so good.

I've been on a roller coaster about last week ever since September. First it was a high. I was gonna have a baby that week. And it was our anniversary too. Then I miscarried. So I was low again. Then we planned a big trip to Disneyland for that week to celebrate our anniversary and so that we could be gone somewhere having fun when my due date came. HIGH!! But then, devastatingly, our tax return we were planning on using for this big trip got garnished. Yep. GARNISHED. It's what happens sometimes. It all goes back to choices we've made and now we have to pay the consequences. No one to blame but ourselves and it totally sucks. It was a lot of money. And I grieved for a long time about it. Still do sometimes. All the bills we were gonna pay, the fun we were going to have, the catching up our bank account we were going to do...GONE. So...LOW. And that's pretty much where I've been since then. No baby, no Disneyland, overdrawn bank account, unpaid bills, etc. I've been dreading last week since February.

They say expectations can play a big part in determining how things will go sometimes. It was pretty bad. Thursday, the actual due date, was theeeee worst. I had been wanting to at least be pregnant again by this day, to soften the blow, but that kind and gentle Mother Nature had other plans. I started my period just after lunch. Insult to injury. Thank you very much!!  Kooy went to school and Peyton and I fought the whole afternoon. I finally took him to get ice cream because I felt so bad for the little dude. It wasn't his fault. I don't know why he chose that day to refuse to use the toilet, refuse to believe me that there was no cereal (the biggest fight we had was about that. Even when I actually showed him the cupboard was empty and we had NO CEREAL, he still didn't believe me), and refuse to take a nap. Usually he's so easy. He'll play by himself and just toddle around the house. Not that day of course. Matt was going to go work with a friend that night but he wisely cancelled on him. When he got home I went downstairs to our guest room and slept for almost 3 hours. Then Matt and the boys came down, jumped on top of me, and started giving me kisses all over my face. Matt took the boys to get some Arby's then we all went to bed.

Friday night Matt and I celebrated our 12th anniversary with Sushi and a drive in movie. All I have to say is thank goodness for our anniversary. It saved the week. Something to look forward to. It wasn't the same as riding the Toy Story ride with Peyton at Disneyland or riding Space Mountain with Kooyman, or walking down Main Street Disney with Matt just like we did 12 years ago on our honeymoon. But is was still a great evening.

I may have been behaving badly the last few weeks. Snide comments at family parties, throwing a fit in sacrament meeting because someone stole our bench, among many other things may have not been my finest moments. But I think I'm allowed. I've been in a bad place for awhile.

Today things are looking better. A bit brighter. I feel like singing some Barry Manilow right now....

I made it through the rain
And found myself respected
By the others who
Got rained on too
And made it through. I made it THROUGH!!!

Good ol' Barry Manilow. He just nails it sometimes.

P.S. I take it all back. Right after I posted this I left to go donate plasma so I would have enough gas money to get us to payday. The transmission went out on me half way there. So, now we have no car and no gas money. You'd think it would all even out but both cars needed gas. :( Cut the music Barry, it's still raining.