Change

Ugh. I hate change. I resist it at all costs. Change is often thrust upon us with no regard.  It makes me grumpy and ornery and critical. I currently find myself in the middle of change that was entirely brought on by ME and MY OWN decisions. You would think my reaction would be different since it was my own choosing. Wrong. I am still grumpy, ornery, and critical. Weird.

 

Some of you may have already caught wind of this, so this may not be the sweeping grand announcement I'm pretending it is. I have decided to go back to school. I've been stewing over it, seriously, for about a year. It's always been in the back of my mind that I would do it SOMEDAY, but never really considered it until a year ago. The game changer was finally deciding what I wanted to be when I grew up. That was my problem my first go around with school. I had no ambition, no goal, no direction. I was smart. I got good grades. My friends were all choosing fields of study and I even chose one too. Looking back, I really shouldn't say I chose it. I kind of fell into it and followed what the other students in my classes were doing. I figured I was in the same classes, pulling the same grades as them, so I figured I would just do what they did. I was part of something really cool and almost unprecedented. The following fall, 4 of 20 spots available in the Pharmacy Program at the U of U were awarded to graduates of Snow College. I still don't know if it was really THAT big a deal but the other Snow College grads were sure proud of themselves and celebrated as if it was an amazing feat. So I bought into it and felt really proud of myself.

 

Then reality set in. The classes were really hard. The professors were really smart. One would lecture all day about pathology, physiology, etc. and not one single bit of it would be on the tests. I struggled. I hated going to school. I resented it. I did bare minimum just to get by. Problem was, doing the minimum doesn't get you by in Pharmacy school. I endured two quarters. I did end up failing one or two courses that last quarter, so my spot in the program was definitely at great risk at this point. But I had already decided Pharmacy was not the road for me and I wasn't continuing. So, I did drop out, but I also failed out. I couldn't have continued if I wanted to at this point, but it didn't matter because I didn't want to continue anyway.

 

I worked. I dated. My parents moved away. I got married. I focused on having kids and supporting my husbands career. I worked part time at a couple jobs. 

 

I have been so focused having a family. Something that has not come easily to Matt and I. After experiencing a ectopic pregnancy, and a then a year later learning I have one collapsed tube and endometriosis setting in, I have come to terms with the fact that my two boys are probably all I'm going to get. I am finally at peace with this. I look at my little family, my miracle boys, and am so proud and happy. I am completely at peace with the possibility that this may be it for our little family. I am ready to move on to a new chapter and a new focus. Kooyman is in 2nd grade and Peyton is starting preschool. It's time for this momma to set some goals.

 

A game changer was meeting someone who inspired me. I got a job as a teachers aide, then the following year, a job working with a 4th grade girl with Down Syndrome. Working with Morgan has been an incredible experience. One I will never forget. We have just started her 5th grade year, since she'll enter middle school next year, I'm sure it will be my last. The teacher's whose classroom I was in last year totally inspired me. I watched her everyday, watched her make a real difference in those kids lives. Not just academically either. Teaching them how to be good people, how to treat one another, molding their minds to be proud of who they were, on how to be a team player.

 

I watched her every day and said to myself, "I want to do that. I want to do what she's doing. I have what it takes to do that. I could be good at it. I, too, could make the difference in people's lives." So, I'm going to get my a Bachelor's in Elementary Ed. I enrolled and started class last Thursday. I figure it's going to take me about 3 years to finish. That's okay. Three years will pass by anyway, might as well be working towards something.

 

I have finally found something I know I want to do and I know I could be good at. I know what I want to be when I grow up! I am a late bloomer. But I figured it out.

 

Some people might judge, I might have a year or two ago, but I am going to the University of Phoenix. I talked to several people who got their degrees from there and have decided that it is a good fit for me and my family.  

 

Going to college means change. Change in schedules, priority's, how I spend my time, etc. It's uncomfortable. I hate it. But I want to do it. It's a weird feeling to feel.

 

Matt got released from working in the Young Men's (finally!!). He's served in some capacity for 7 years. I am sooooo ready for that part of our life to be over. The first 5 years were ok, but the last two I have struggled to me the amazing supportive wife we are taught to be. I am happy that Matt's focus will be 100% back on our family. We have lots of goals and projects in mind, along with my schooling.

 

I am supposed to be preparing a rough draft on personal responsibility. I am blogging, doing laundry and talking on the phone instead. Hmmmm. So the procrastination begins already. Shoot. I was hoping to get through the first class before that set in. Oh well.